The Art Of Making Babies : 3rd Time Not A Charm

So,my beta hCG came back with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

As expected. I did not cry or feel much. Could it be that I am mentally more prepared for this failure?

So on to the next stage of our journey : IVF.

After spending time talking with Dr. D and discussion with hubs, we have decided to give Dr. D a try with IVF and if it fails we will then consider going over to Bangkok.

So we will be jumping into IVF this coming cycle, BUT as my polyps has return, I might need to surgically remove it. So back to the OT I go. Not looking forward to this part, as I am hoping that it will go away by my next internal scan. Dr. D did explain very well the whole IVF procedure and giving us option on which kind of IVF protocal we might want to do.

Sheesh...I always tot that IVF is just injections, egg retrival, test tube and implant. Boy was I wrong. We can have the option of having different stimulants, supression injections and so on.... A bit complicated at the moment.

So right now first stage is to wait for my menses to come for real and do a blood test and internal scan. From there we will be able to know the next step.

My life has always been challenging, and filled with roadblocks... I do hope this will be the last roadblock that I have to encounter for having children.

On to a new rollercoster ride.

The Art Of Making Babies : IUI Cycle 3.5

I have been crying a lot these pass few months. Sometime emotional, some are sad, some are dissapointment, some are  self pitiness but tears of joy are still missing. I hope soon I can shed a tear of two of joy.

I started spotting 2 days ago, just a wee bit here and there, took a dip in a cup test yesterday and found it was still a negative. Cried buckets again after the spotting and the negative result. Like I have said over and over again, emotionally very hard to go through hope and being crushed by dissapointment over and over again. I know once again I would have to pick up my heart and move on.

I just took my Beta hCG test and will be returning to the hospital soon to take my results and discuss with Dr. D on our next step - IVF.

It was kinda weird waking up this morning, with no hope and had to draw blood for something I already know just for medical purpose. I did not cry this morning, I am not sure if I will break down later or tonight. I just hope I am strong enough to not let this affect me so much this cycle.

At the moment I am kinda numb.BLANK. Just wanna crawl under the sheets and dissappear.

The Art Of Making Babies: IUI Cylce 3.4

10 June 2011

Did a "pee on a stick" test this moring at 7 am! Of coz it was a negative... but I can't stop myself from doing that!! Siau d !

I'ts almost end of the day and I am feeling light headed, a bit dizzy, coughing a bit since last night... oh no I hope I am not coming down with something... seriously not funny if I am sick... took my temp this morning, slightly higher than normal but no fever. Am more tired  today than yesterday..maybe because I kept waking up to pee last night!!

12 June 2011

Woke up again at 7am! Did another "pee on a stick" test but this time around instead of peeing I use the dip in a cup kinda test. Still negative. I keep on hoping to see two lines but nope...one bright pink line only! Kinda dissapointed but still hopeful...but the hope is getting less and less as my symptoms that I crazily keep monitoring my turn out to be PMS.

My slight cough has gone away, my temp had gone back to normal but I am still tired and sleepy, my boobies are still sore and tender. I am still feeling bloated and achy cramps on my tummy area. Lower back ache has set in. Mood swings are setting in more. Sound like Aunt Flow will be visiting :( please don't come! PLEASE!!!!

My beta hCG blood test will be in 3 days, it really seem like an eternity to wait... and like I said before, the waiting period is really driving me up the wall... sometimes I wonder, where did I get all the emotional strenght and courage to do all this! I am afraid it will tear me up slowly and I don'e even know it!

But as the blood test date draws near and with two POAS being negative so far, I have sort of start preparing myself for the next step. We will be most likely going on to IVF. It will increase the chances of us getting preggers. The only downside is more injections...actually 3 times more comparing to my IUI cycles and a minor surgery for retrieval of eggs. I must admit, I am afraid of doing an IVF cycle, but if this IUI cycle is really negative, then we are left we no other choice.

*fingers and toes still crossed* for a BFP

The Art of Making Babies : Cycle 3.3

I am telling you this waiting for two weeks is really driving me NUTS! COCONUTS!

It is 8 days past my IUI procedure and I have 5 days more to wait before my blood test to see if I get a BFP!

I have been doing weird things, for example, observing every single feeling, tingle, pain in my body in hopes that I will get a sign that I might be preggers. Of coz, if I were to take a preganancy test, it would not show until after 14 days hence, the infamous Two Weeks Wait.

Let me share my "crazy" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. ( Might be too much info for some...but I think I need to let go some of my obsession!

1. Feeling bloated - I have always been fat bloated, so not a sign for me

2. Tender boobies - well I have been touching myself on the boobies lately, feels kinda full and tender with a bit of pain. There are blue veins popping up and a lot of ppl says its a sign...but then I am really fair..and hell itchy inside!!! like wtf... I was like sratching myself the whole time and the itch is under the skin!!! but that sort of went away and boobies feels pain now.

3. Lower back pain - a bit...but then always have back problems...so does no count

4. High temp - feeling hot all the time llike I am having a fever. But I felt like that last month. Maybe these two months has been really hot.

5. Morning sickness? - missing!

6. Tired - oh yes... I pass out every nite. Maybe getting old?

7. Nausea - only when I stare too long on my PC...I think mostly work related.

Yups... am driving myself up the wall like this... hurry up already!!! I wanna test for a BFP!!!

I am seriously going gaga already!

*fingers and toes crossed*

The Art Of Making Babies: IUI Cycle 3.2

Updates!

Did my IUI procedure after finishing 7 days of Gonal F injections. Dr. D found only one follicle (AGAIN) on the right ovary (AGAIN) , he is begining to suspect that my left ovary is not responding at all to all the stimulants.

He also found that I have a 5mm polyps growing in my womb (AGAIN!). No cause for concern he said to me... but I know he is worried...and now I am worried also. But then again, if I really did conceive and implantation of the embryo takes place.... don't tell me out of so many places in the womb to implant it implats itself to the polyps??? Highly not possible....but still a chance!

This round of the dreaded two week wait, I have taken 3 days of work to rest and have decided under doctors advise not to leave the state, not to do anything at all (including yoga). Not to lift heavy things, not to walk too much...oooppsss too late....I did lotsa walking over the weekend :) shopping.

Today I am back at work, but taking things easy...am kinda tired today maybe cause I slept pretty late last night and have a mild eye irritant. Maybe I will take a day off tomorrow if I am too tired. But it's so boring staying home....

argh I wish my TWW will be over soon... and no more TWW for me EVER!!!!

The Art Of Making Babies: IUI Cycle 3.1

Day 2 of Gonal-F injection.

Round 3 of ovarian stimulation and IUI.

3rd time is a charm.... let this saying be true.

Emotionally still not very stable but slightly better.

I wonder sometimes, how do people go through all these fertility treatment month after month with negative results and still keep on going? It is so tiring...emotionally, mentally and physically.

I hope I can be as strong as some of these women...

The dissapointment is heartbreaking. And it puts me in a very "blur" position. Like a big grey cloud over my head.

........

The Art Of Making Babies: IUI Cycle 2 Part 5

BFN!!! Yups! We got a BIG FAT NEGATIVE on my blood test.

Not pregnant!!

Whoa...was I dissapointed... this time, the dissapointment is bad... I cried for the whole day...I was so sure that it will work... but it did not.

Our first IUI that failed, I did not even cry... but man.... this time around I was in a mess for 2 days.... and then my Aunt Flow decided to rub salt into the deep wound by visiting!

Well, after some breaking down moments.... we decided to jump into another cycle of IUI immediately  which would be our last try. People say the third time is a charm... if not then we will move on to IVF....

Doing Absolutely Nothing @ The Andaman

Last weekend hubby treated me to a 3days and 2 nights of pure BLISS of doing absolutely nothing straining or stressful.

AWESOME!

The Andaman was just a treat for me... since it was a low peak season, there was practically no one around. Located on Datai Bay of the Andaman Sea, the sea was calm, clean and the sand was mighty fine. The whole experience of being lazy and pampered starts from here. 

The minute we walked into the resort, there was the beating of traditional gong to announce our arrival, then we were quickly welcome and ushered into the huge lounge overlooking the Andaman sea and served cold lemongrass tea and cold towels while all the paperwork was going on. The GM Ms. Anne Scott was a charmer! So was the F&B Director, Gindo. Checking in was a brief, no standing at the counter hassle... As we were escorted into our   room which was sea facing, we were greeted with our luggages in the room.... Honestly I did not notice where our luggages were when we walked into the resort...I think some guy must have took it out from the car... who cares!! It was in our room.... too bad I did not have a butler to unpack my bags!! Maybe the Four Seasons have that.....

The day then started with a lazy lunch by at their main restaurant and a quick walk around the resort... then it was bikini (check), iPad (check), iPod (check), sunblock (check), hot hubby (check) and to the private beach we went. 

That was what we did for the next 3 days, we did not move...ok maybe to go for a dip in the sea and occasionally the pool, the rest was done by the staff, every one hour, the staff will bring us fresh fruits, cold towels, drinks...all complimentary...and if I need anything else to eat, I just lift my lazy arms and the menu will appear right in front of me :)

And every night after hours of lazing around, we have pre-dinner cocktails before heading for dinner. OK the food is so - so only...nothing fantastic about it.... but I was not there for the food, I was there for the "doing nothing" part.

On the last day, the resort allowed us to check out at 6pm! BONUS!! so we spend the afternoon at their spa. And OMG, it was the best 2 hours of pure relaxation I had in months!!!

Our spa pavilion is secluded among the rain forest and overlooks the Andaman Sea. It's open air and while hubs and I were being scrubbed and massaged, it was just us, our massage therapist, the sound of the forests and the sound of the ocean. Not even a soul, a vehicle, or anything that reminds us of the daily rat race. After all, the V Botanical Spa @ Andaman was awarded one of the best 6 spas in Asia 2010 by Conde Nast magazine and many more awards which I can's seem to remember...

Oh well... the weekend did burn a deep hole in hubby's pocket, but he always want whats best for me....

Truly blessed and blissed out....

The Art Of Making Babies : IUI Cycle 2 Pt 4

I told a friend that I will only celebrate Mother's Day when I become a mom. Sounds so conceited rite... it shows my desperation of becoming a mummy... Of coz I do celebrate Mom's day... Last weekend we celebrated it in KL with my mom-in-law and yesterday we celebrate if with my mummy dearest.

In conjunction with Mother's Day, I did my IUI procedure. This time it was much much bearable that the first time. This time around, I knew what Dr. D was doing and I was more relaxed and not so anxious. So the nurse put me on the procedure table bed and was ask the open wide. Dr. D inserted a tool to keep open my uterus and he went on to prep my uterus wall ( cleaning and brushing) was rather uncomfortable but not painful, then hubs and I were shown to a test tube that contained hubby's most powerful boys. Just like that , Dr. D insert a long tube into my uterus and "beam" the little boys into me. We were shown on the scan the whole procedure but hubs sed all he could see was black and white screen, to him it was like a lost transmission! After the whole procedure, I was told to not move for a good 20 mins. And just like that it was over and I was sent home to rest and fingers and toes cross, in two weeks, A BIG FAT POSITIVE!!!!!

Dr. D told me to take it easy for the rest of the 2 weeks...so today hubs surprised me with  ( no not a new bag ) a mini weekend away at The Andaman, Langkawi!!! He is good to me :)

The Art Of Making Babies : IUI Cycle 2 Pt 3

Just done with Dr. D at his clinic.After 7 days of Gonal - F injections, he found one (yes one again) very gorgeous looking follicle which is already big enough to hatch ( OMG ! I sound like a hen !) I was very surprise and so was he. 

Anyhoos, he gave me a trigger shot Ovidrel to hatch the egg and tomorrow morning I am going in for my IUI procedure!! I am super excited! So there we go, after the procedure tomorrow then we will have to wait for two whole weeks before knowing if we are pregnant. If yes then woohooooo, if no, then back to the drawing board. Life is full of ups and downs.... please give me an upper since I have not have one for a long time. Life cycle...

In the mean time, I am told to relax, and chill and be a Zen master :)

The Art Of Making Babies : IUI Cycle 2 Pt 2

Today I started with the first injection of Gonal F for ovarian stimulation. Hubs did it for me like a pro, but I could not help feeling a wee bit scared. Thank God I did not feel anything except for a tiny tiny pinch...in fact I could not even feel anything. Either hubs is really good or I am getting used to it.

6 more days of jabs before my next ultra sound to see if there are any follicle(s) growing...please let it be more than one follicle. The last time I had one and it did not work...I need a back up... 2-3 follicles please!!!

In the mean time, let's enjoy the Royal Wedding of Willian and Kate... I love weddings....

The Art Of Making Babies : IUI Cycle 2

So the AF is here for a visit, and that means I have to make a visit to Dr. D. 

After much discussion with Dr. D, the hubs and I decided that we will try another round again provided that I have to be stress free and happy. So he prescribed me a 7 day shot of Gonal - F  for ovaries stimulation. So back to the needles and emotional roller coaster ride. This time I am ready for ya!! Bring it on!!!

So I gave mom a call and told her about our decision to try again... and she was supportive and all but told me not to blog or tell anyone!! I was like why not? Aiseh, I know she is like pantang and conservative and all, but I think sharing my problems and letting people who wants to know, know about it, to me it's not a big deal. Mom says it would further stress me out. Nah.... by keeping it all vent up inside me and not being able to share WILL even stress me up. To me it's an outlet. If people ask me questions then if I feel like it I will share more, if not I will just share less...it's really all up to me no?

Fertility problems should not be a taboo. But for most Asians family it is... it's like if a person has fertility issues then the family loses face! WTF rite! But a person deserves the rights to keep it hush hush if they choose to. No biggie... it depends on the person.

Oh well, I will definitely continue sharing my journey and one day share this journey with my many many children! OK lets start with one first.

The Art Of Making Babies : Aunt Flow In Town?

After 5 days of Duphaston, I would expect Aunt Flow (AF) to finally visit and get on with our injections and "horror"-mons medication, but nothing happen until today.... I feel a slight backache and a wee bit of cramping... part of me knows that AF is finally here but another part of me is thinking, could it be implantation bleeding and cramping? Things like this really drives me up the wall!! ARGH!  The good thing is that if AF is really here hooray we start treatment immediately, if it is not AF double hooray I might be preggers. So both also will end in something to look forward to. Yes I am trying to console myself and trying to make sense of things in this absolutely "siau" time of my life. So hurry up already, I wanna move on people!! chop chop!!!!

In the middle of my confused body, I went for a trial class for yoga. Apparently, I instantly love it! I love the fact that there is only 5 of us in the class, I love the fact that it is done at dusk in garden with incense and candles. I love the fact that my instructor is so supportive. I love the fact that it is not in a gym or a yoga center. I love the fact that it is so near our house. So I signed up for classes twice a week :) 

Apparently according to some "trying to conceive"  site, yoga is a good way to increase the chances of conceiving just because it is not aggressive as some other intense cardio workout which sometimes might just throw of the hormones and also it is a stress buster.

Ooommmmmm

The Right Approach To Losing Weight?

My doctor has been asking me to lose some weight in order to increase my chance in getting preggers. Many months of exercising and dieting I did not lose weight but gain weight instead.... maybe it's the muscle weight! Watever... And my doctor also told me to chill and relax... *rolls eyes*

So about a month ago, my colleague when on this three month weight management program by Nu Skin - The Right Approach Program (TRA) and she told me about the right way of eating and so on... being me... desperate to try ANYTHING, I jumped on the bandwagon. So far after 2 weeks I am glad to say I have lost 2 kilos from smart eating. I would thought I  would be starving and not get to eat many things...boy I was wrong....very wrong... I still get to enjoy my chicken rice, my hokkien mee, eat in restaurants... cook my pasta dishes :) 

TRA's basic rules:

1. I have to make sure to eat 3 times a day and if I am hungry I have to snack on fruits or veggies (which I have no problems with).

2. I have to eat portions based on the size of my fist and palm.

3. I have to eat fruits, veggies, protein and carbs in this order.

4. Light exercise 3-4 times a week.

And of course I would have to take their all-natural supplements to boost my metabolic rate, and burn and block fats.

Lets just hope that I will keep to this for 3 months *wink*

And to address the issue of me being stress ALL THE TIME. I have found a small yoga class close by to our house and I will be dragging the hubs and mom along for a trial next week. Fingers and toes cross that by eating right, exercise and yoga I will be in better shape and state of mind to have a bun baking in my oven.

The Art Of Making Babies : The Case Of The Missing Egg(s)

Aiseh! 

So I am not 5 weeks pregnant or even near to it!

My egg/eggs went on a holiday! It was confirmed by the doctor that I did not ovulate last month hence the missed period. I am cleared of any thyroid problems and the internal scan shows that my lady bits are all doing well... just a slight problem where there is no ovaries activities!

Where the hell did they go?? Maldives for some sun baking? Paris for some shopping? ( better bring me back a Chanal bag!)  Most likely according to the doctor, I am too stressed up. And as usual, I am told to chill and take things lightly and easy...and not to think about babies! Easy for you to say Dr. D! How am I suppose to not think about babies when I am wanting it so bad!!!

So I was given some Duphaston to bring back my period and hopefully to start injectables and IUI by next week. 

I must admit I was kinda disappointed when the blood test came back negative. So I treated myself to some nice clutches and hold back my tears and look forward positively ahead.

The Art Of Making Babies : A Missed Period Means Many Things

If I was pregnant today I would be technically 5 weeks. IF!

This is becoming very very frustrating. We were suppose to start with our second injectables and IUI this cycle but my aunt flow is not here to visit! and she is late by 16 days. I took a pregnancy test about 2 weeks ago and it read negative and I told myself to wait... and this morning I took another test using the best test kit available in the market and it still read a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! Hellooo I wanna see Positive sign!!

Feeling really "blahhh" I finally called my Dr. D's office and am going in tomorrow to see him. Well, actually I sort of already know why it could be a negative.

1. My eggs forgot to come out meaning I missed my ovulation ( which is super super bad when we wanna be preggers!)
2. I might have a thyroid problem which I am not aware of.
3. I might be actually preggers but my HCG level is not high enough to be detected.

Most probably is numero UNO! I did not ovulate last month! But I am hoping that it could be reason number 3.

The word is HOPE.

The funny thing was when my period was due 2 weeks ago, I did have all the PMS symptoms which is similar to pregnancy symptoms. What the hell is going on people!!!!!!!!???????

I need a to r & r soon before I go bonkers!

Update!

We have finally moved into our new home! But we still got lots to do...oh joy!

I missed the old place A LOT!

One thing I missed at the old place is NO mossies!!!! Seriously, living on landed house you with a garden in a tropical country is no joke... I have a variety of ants crawling, bugs, mosquitoes, spiders and CICAKS!!!! Loads of them! I try to keep them out of the house, so far so good.

I missed the view at The View...yes I missed sitting on the balcony and looking out at the night view of the Penang Bridge and the sea....

I missed cleaning a SMALL house! At this point, I am getting my mom's maid in to clean... I tried mopping 3 floors plus stairs and I was exhausted! And not to mention cleaning the garden, patio, balcony and car porch. Seriously no joke! I have not even started on the windows!!!

I missed proper rubbish collection. I don't think much about who collects my rubbish as long as at the end of the day my rubbish is collected. Well that was when we were living at the View ( the cleaners collect the rubbish TWICE a day!!) Now, I have to chase the rubbish truck and sometimes I have to leave my garbage door open so they can see that I have rubbish in the garbage "room". Oh how exciting *rolls eyes*

So dramatic rite??!!

Despite all that, I am loving the new house. I have a proper huge ass kitchen! (with Astro Beyond!)  Hubs and I no longer fights on who watches what. My bags have proper storage and my laundry room is no longer a corner!
I have a proper dressing room and hubs Star Wars collection is all in a room dedicated for it.

Next up... planning for a house warming and hoping for a baby :)

The One With The Skull

So in love with the latest Alexander McQueen Britannia Punk Box! I love the colour!

Very tempted but no more extra moolah for all unnecessary items :(

Someone give me a big fat bonus please.

The One With The Countdown

The countdown to "moving day" has begun... Many things around the new house is not yet done to my expectations...am I freaking out?... a bit...but I think I will freak out more if by next Friday they do not handover the house to us!

In the mean time, I will go get myself a hot stone massage and a nice long facial and maybe slip in pedicure and manicure this weekend in hopes that my stress level will remain controllable and also before I start "killing" people with my words.

Professionalism in tradesmen in Penang or maybe even the whole of Malaysia is dead. Either that or my expectations are super high.But I guess as time goes by, things will change and please do change for the better. 

14 days left...tick tock...tick tock....

The One With The Boxes

We are moving to our new house by the end of next week and this time around... I think I am more composed comparing to when we first move into our current condo. I guess maybe our new contractor/project manager/ID is much better and the tradesmen are also MUCH better.

BUT, being me, I will always be nit picking on every single thing and calling the project manager like 20 times a day! But overall I am not as stressed up...YET...so I hope my claws won't come out... I seriously do not want to hurt anyone :)

Last weekend was basically spend by packing up our lives into boxes. By the end of the 1st day, we have a total of 15 boxes and 5 boxes of shoes and that is not even half of our total junk stuff. I also learned that I have become my mom! A Hoarder!! I keep boxes which I do not know for what use and plastic containers and papers and ribbons and more boxes. 

At this point after 2 days of packing, what is left to pack in my kitchen, and my bags, our clothes and more uncategorized items.I intend to finish all the packing by the end of this week *fingers cross* maybe another 15 more boxes or so we should be done :)

So right now I am gonna go back and start calling my project manager and harass her.

xoxo