Friday, June 24, 2011

Yucks Inside Out

feeling crap today... total CRAP...

ultra sensitive to comments or slight sarcasm

feel super bloated and fat

teary

still spotting for the 3rd day ( maybe I should call Dr. D)

I am blaming it all on the medication.

a very bad day :(

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sawadee..kaaa

I can't wait to have my breakfast here...



...and end the day cosying up to the hubs here...
*pictures courtesy from sala khauyai resort*

We will be heading to Bangkok this weekend to meet up with th Osmans who happens to be having a holiday there, to eat and shop and to have a mini getaway at the province of Khao Yai. Khao Yai National Park is the largest and oldest national park in Thailand. Situated just 2 1/2 hour north by car away from Bangkok, it is the home of Thailand wine region.

Not very sure about the wine, but the old folks has been there and they told us it's a good place for relaxation and a place to do nothing.... my kinda thing - DO NOTHING.

So, we booked into sala Khau Yai for 2 nights :)  Another holiday before the needles starts the following week.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Chanel or IVF?

I never tought that I will ask myself this question.

A new Chanel bag or IVF?

I have invested in many Chanel babies so now I guess I have to go with a real life one.

So I am giving up the latest bag. DUH!!

Yes it sounds crazy... a bag cost the same as a test tube baby. The more I think about it the more weird it becomes.

How can a person compare a bag to a baby... technically both have something in common, one is a designer bag and the other is a designer baby.

Just something to ponder.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I Am No Longer Me

It is kinda weird in a person's life how we grow up and suddenly priorities changes.

All this is happening to me.

I started out as a clueless teenager, getting myself involve in mischiefs with my girlfriends to graduating
with two degrees, to getting married to my uni sweetheart to partying like there is no tomorrow and now, all settled down and ready to start a family naturally but failed.

That failed part is something which change me mentally, physically and socially.

Now I am no longer the party girl I used to be, nor the "always out on weekend" person. I no longer drink people under the table.( not proud of that *winks*) I fall asleep at 11 everynight and wake up at 6 am.

Now, I am all about medication, injections, medical terms, reading signs about my body, and all about babies.

My best friend now is my Dr and his team. I have him on speed dial.

I guess this is life, people grow up and move on... it's just which directions you take. For me, I have taken a path which is full of road blocks but I am sure at the end all would be well.

By then, my priorities would have change again and I would have grown up all over again.

IVF #1 : The Birth Control Pill

Aunt Flo came to town full blast and it was time for me to visit Dr D for the start of our first IVF cycle. It was bitter sweet, exciting and a bit sad that we have to go through IVF.

Hubs and I went if for our first blood work and I went in for an internal scan.

Finally a piece of good news since all this treatments started. The polyps that was found previously has reduced in size and that means no operation!! Dr D was glad and so were we.

After much discussion, Dr D decided that we should be put on a long protocol cycle mainly due to my reoccuring polyps and my previous endo and the fact that my menses is not clockwork. It will take about 2 months to complete the entire cycle but as all treatments, it comes with risks. Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrom (OHSS) is one of the major risk whereby the drugs given makes the ovaries produce far more number of follicles required. This can end in cancellation of the cycle or death! YUPS!

So to start of our IVF journey, I am put on birth control pills - BCP (Mercilon) for 21 days. Kinda contradicting being the fact we are trying to get pregnant but then have to take BCP. But as Dr D explain it is kinda important to prep my hormones to get ready for the actual IVF cycle where the injections starts. It also kinda help reduce the chance of OHSS and polyps so that it will increase the chance of a successful IVF cycle.

So for the next 3 weeks, it would be the easiest part of the whole cycle. Am anxious for the injections and multiple bloodworks and many internal ultrasound scans to come. It will definitely be a roller coaster ride.

UPDATE:
Dr. D's office called with our initial blood work results. All looking good, everything covered except for my Hep B which I don't have immunisation for...dammit... but I need to get it done after I get preggers.

So, now we wait for July 8 to start my suprefact injections...one of many....

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Art Of Making Babies : 3rd Time Not A Charm

So,my beta hCG came back with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

As expected. I did not cry or feel much. Could it be that I am mentally more prepared for this failure?

So on to the next stage of our journey : IVF.

After spending time talking with Dr. D and discussion with hubs, we have decided to give Dr. D a try with IVF and if it fails we will then consider going over to Bangkok.

So we will be jumping into IVF this coming cycle, BUT as my polyps has return, I might need to surgically remove it. So back to the OT I go. Not looking forward to this part, as I am hoping that it will go away by my next internal scan. Dr. D did explain very well the whole IVF procedure and giving us option on which kind of IVF protocal we might want to do.

Sheesh...I always tot that IVF is just injections, egg retrival, test tube and implant. Boy was I wrong. We can have the option of having different stimulants, supression injections and so on.... A bit complicated at the moment.

So right now first stage is to wait for my menses to come for real and do a blood test and internal scan. From there we will be able to know the next step.

My life has always been challenging, and filled with roadblocks... I do hope this will be the last roadblock that I have to encounter for having children.

On to a new rollercoster ride.

The Art Of Making Babies : IUI Cycle 3.5

I have been crying a lot these pass few months. Sometime emotional, some are sad, some are dissapointment, some are  self pitiness but tears of joy are still missing. I hope soon I can shed a tear of two of joy.

I started spotting 2 days ago, just a wee bit here and there, took a dip in a cup test yesterday and found it was still a negative. Cried buckets again after the spotting and the negative result. Like I have said over and over again, emotionally very hard to go through hope and being crushed by dissapointment over and over again. I know once again I would have to pick up my heart and move on.

I just took my Beta hCG test and will be returning to the hospital soon to take my results and discuss with Dr. D on our next step - IVF.

It was kinda weird waking up this morning, with no hope and had to draw blood for something I already know just for medical purpose. I did not cry this morning, I am not sure if I will break down later or tonight. I just hope I am strong enough to not let this affect me so much this cycle.

At the moment I am kinda numb.BLANK. Just wanna crawl under the sheets and dissappear.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Art Of Making Babies: IUI Cylce 3.4

10 June 2011

Did a "pee on a stick" test this moring at 7 am! Of coz it was a negative... but I can't stop myself from doing that!! Siau d !

I'ts almost end of the day and I am feeling light headed, a bit dizzy, coughing a bit since last night... oh no I hope I am not coming down with something... seriously not funny if I am sick... took my temp this morning, slightly higher than normal but no fever. Am more tired  today than yesterday..maybe because I kept waking up to pee last night!!

12 June 2011

Woke up again at 7am! Did another "pee on a stick" test but this time around instead of peeing I use the dip in a cup kinda test. Still negative. I keep on hoping to see two lines but nope...one bright pink line only! Kinda dissapointed but still hopeful...but the hope is getting less and less as my symptoms that I crazily keep monitoring my turn out to be PMS.

My slight cough has gone away, my temp had gone back to normal but I am still tired and sleepy, my boobies are still sore and tender. I am still feeling bloated and achy cramps on my tummy area. Lower back ache has set in. Mood swings are setting in more. Sound like Aunt Flow will be visiting :( please don't come! PLEASE!!!!

My beta hCG blood test will be in 3 days, it really seem like an eternity to wait... and like I said before, the waiting period is really driving me up the wall... sometimes I wonder, where did I get all the emotional strenght and courage to do all this! I am afraid it will tear me up slowly and I don'e even know it!

But as the blood test date draws near and with two POAS being negative so far, I have sort of start preparing myself for the next step. We will be most likely going on to IVF. It will increase the chances of us getting preggers. The only downside is more injections...actually 3 times more comparing to my IUI cycles and a minor surgery for retrieval of eggs. I must admit, I am afraid of doing an IVF cycle, but if this IUI cycle is really negative, then we are left we no other choice.

*fingers and toes still crossed* for a BFP

Thursday, June 09, 2011

The Art of Making Babies : Cycle 3.3

I am telling you this waiting for two weeks is really driving me NUTS! COCONUTS!

It is 8 days past my IUI procedure and I have 5 days more to wait before my blood test to see if I get a BFP!

I have been doing weird things, for example, observing every single feeling, tingle, pain in my body in hopes that I will get a sign that I might be preggers. Of coz, if I were to take a preganancy test, it would not show until after 14 days hence, the infamous Two Weeks Wait.

Let me share my "crazy" signs and symptoms of pregnancy. ( Might be too much info for some...but I think I need to let go some of my obsession!

1. Feeling bloated - I have always been fat bloated, so not a sign for me

2. Tender boobies - well I have been touching myself on the boobies lately, feels kinda full and tender with a bit of pain. There are blue veins popping up and a lot of ppl says its a sign...but then I am really fair..and hell itchy inside!!! like wtf... I was like sratching myself the whole time and the itch is under the skin!!! but that sort of went away and boobies feels pain now.

3. Lower back pain - a bit...but then always have back problems...so does no count

4. High temp - feeling hot all the time llike I am having a fever. But I felt like that last month. Maybe these two months has been really hot.

5. Morning sickness? - missing!

6. Tired - oh yes... I pass out every nite. Maybe getting old?

7. Nausea - only when I stare too long on my PC...I think mostly work related.

Yups... am driving myself up the wall like this... hurry up already!!! I wanna test for a BFP!!!

I am seriously going gaga already!

*fingers and toes crossed*

Monday, June 06, 2011

The Art Of Making Babies: IUI Cycle 3.2

Updates!

Did my IUI procedure after finishing 7 days of Gonal F injections. Dr. D found only one follicle (AGAIN) on the right ovary (AGAIN) , he is begining to suspect that my left ovary is not responding at all to all the stimulants.

He also found that I have a 5mm polyps growing in my womb (AGAIN!). No cause for concern he said to me... but I know he is worried...and now I am worried also. But then again, if I really did conceive and implantation of the embryo takes place.... don't tell me out of so many places in the womb to implant it implats itself to the polyps??? Highly not possible....but still a chance!

This round of the dreaded two week wait, I have taken 3 days of work to rest and have decided under doctors advise not to leave the state, not to do anything at all (including yoga). Not to lift heavy things, not to walk too much...oooppsss too late....I did lotsa walking over the weekend :) shopping.

Today I am back at work, but taking things easy...am kinda tired today maybe cause I slept pretty late last night and have a mild eye irritant. Maybe I will take a day off tomorrow if I am too tired. But it's so boring staying home....

argh I wish my TWW will be over soon... and no more TWW for me EVER!!!!