Post IVF #1

Time flies..it has been one week since we found out that we were not pregnant. And it has been a tough week. Thank goodness I have a great support system...family, friends and strangers. I can't thank them enough!

I admit, I still break down when I am alone. Hubs talks sense into  me everyday when he sees me about to succumb to tears. I guess this kinda grief takes time to heal. So I am not gonna lie to myself and say I am 100% ok... I am not, but I will be. I still feel the pinch when friends and family announce their preganancy or post up baby pictures. Yes I am sore.

I kept myself busy this one week by working and by planning a mini getaway to Hua Hin. So by the end of this week for the Raya break, hubs and I will be back in Bangkok and then make our way to Hua Hin for a few days. I do not know if it will make me feel better but I for sure knows that I need to get away from everyone for a while.

IVF #1 : It's All Over

Aunt Flow came and that confirmed that our 3 embabies are really gone. GONE. They will not be babies, just 3 round cells with hubby's and my DNA inside that ceast to exist and will be pass out as my menses, and this sickens me...seriously feel like throwing up thinking about it.

I am still in a state of blurness... this morning hubs caught me staring out the kitchen window with a blank look and dried out tears. He was very worried over me. But he has been wonderful... the day we found out I was not pregnant, he had flowers delivered to me to cheer me up. But honestly, no matter how much flowers he send to me the happy feeling is only temporary.

The menses cramps and flow after IVF to me is extremely painful and heavy comparing to a normal flow. I need my body to return to normal and lose all  4kgs of my IVF weight. I need a break from all the injections and scans and test.

We still have 3 little embabies frozen and we will be doing FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) when I am ready. Maybe in 2-3 months time. And if it does not work again. We have decided for now to stop all medical treatments and move on with our lives.

 Just the two of us sounds good enough. Hubs told me he does not want me to go through IVF treatment ever again.... he can't stand to see me in this situation. I thank him for being so understanding and loving. From this IVF, we might not have gotten a baby, it has brought our relationship closer than ever. I am still very blessed for having him.

IVF #1 : It's A Negative

The little embabies of ours did not stick.

We lost them. For good.

Dr. D was upset. Everything we did was perfect. Still we are back at square one. Back at the beginning.

I cannot begin to explain how I feel. 

I broke down hard...really hard when I received the news and after almost 24 hours or crying and not being able to sleep properly, now my eyes and face is swollen.

Today I have decided to return to my office and immerse myself at work. Did help a bit...so far so good...no breaking down...no tears...just a achy pain in my heart.

Pictures of babies make me sick right now....I know that sounds awful but it does. It makes me sick and make me all teary.

 

Life is cruel that way.

IVF #1 : We Have Embabies!

Now I am back home serving my bed rest after the embryo transfer. It went really well except my ovaries are swollen as I have mild OHSS and slight UTI due to holding my blader while the procedure was performed . Out of the 10 fertilised eggs we manage to have 6 little embabies :) all Grade 4 and Grade 3, which is satisfactory...so we transferred 3 little ones and froze the other 3.

And now we wait.....

Dear embabies


Please be good and stick to mummy properly and grow.


Love,
Mummy n Daddy.

IVF #1 : Retrieval

Two days leading up to my retrieval, I was in pain, I could not walk, I was so bloated, my back ache like hell.

On the day of my retrieval, I was so happy. I could not take the pain in my ovaries anymore. My retrieval was at 9am and I was in the OT by 8am. Once again I find myself full of fear but I know this needed to be done. Nurse J gave me a numbing jab on my bum and I was on my way to highness. When I was finally wheeled into the OT, Dr.D prep my IV and then I was given my sedation. The thing with sedation, I was not 100%knocked out. I was drifting in and out. What I remembered was during the last few minutes, I guess the drugs must have slightly wear off, I could feel a very sharp pain in my lower abdomen, it must be the needles sucking out my eggs. When I woke up, I was already at the recovery bay... My embryologist told me they had manage to retrieve 13 follicles as scanned and there was 12 eggs and only 10 was matured. So we had 10 eggs. Not a lot but enough.

Hubs took care of me the whole night after that and when I was fully awake, I was no longer bloated and no pain...ok maybe I was popping too many pain killers.

The next step was to see how many embryos was fertilised and my mild OHSS to go away and the transfer

IVF #1 : Eggies

This month is all about eggs. And I have 13 of egg follicles as of this morning! 13!!

 Am very pleased with my ovaries :) Apparently nothing is wrong with my left ovary which we were worried about not responding to the drugs.  The left ovary happened to produce 7 egg follicles and the right ovary 6 egg follicles. The biggest follicle measured at 15mm and the smallest at 9.5mm, and Dr D is happy with the numbers. He sent me home with two more days of injections and going in on Saturday for another scan to see the progress. Hopefully *fingers cross* we will see some of the laggards chasing up and some of the frontliners growing big and strong.

I am also told by Dr D to consume a min of 3 egg whites a day or more to keep OHSS at bay. Not a problem...anything to reduce the risk is fine by me.

So, if by Saturday, the egg follicles would have reach min 18mm then it will be trigger time and my egg retrieval surgery would be on Monday and if all goes well and we have good grade embryos, then embryo transfer would be next Wednesday.

Suddenly everything is happening so fast! Feelings? Happy, excited and scared shit at the same time. At the current moment, I am somewhat uncomfortable, I have ovaries pain and my belly is super bloated! Feels like exploding!!

IVF #1 : Poke Here and Here.

Have already started with my ovaries stimulation injections last Friday after my E2 level came back at 145. So its 225iu of Gonal F for  6 days and then its back to the clinic to see if my ovaries are responding to the drugs. And if they are, we should be able to see the eggies growing!!

Today is day 4 of my Gonal F and I am still having my Suprefact shots every single day!. So its two jabs a day! *rolls eyes* Still hurt like a bitch, but accepting it as always. I can't be chicken shit... take a deep breath and POKE away! By the way, hubs is finding it difficult to find a spot on my tummy to inject. Seems like I am running low on tummy real estate.

So far after the Gonal F, I am feeling some "activities" going down there on both side of my tummy. It kinda feels like mild cramps. I am happy for it, coz it is a sign that the Gonal F is working! The follicles with eggs inside are growing....

I will most probably go in for my egg retrieval next week. (that is a different emo state post )

Praying that everything will go smooth from now till my scan on Wednesday...

Grow EGGIES GROW!!!!!!

I leave you with a picture of my every morning anxiety

IVF #1 : East Meets West

I went in for my first ever acupuncture session yesterday. Apparently, IVF and acupuncture goes hand in hand. Studies from IVF experts from many clinics has shown that it will increase the success rate of IVF. I have been reading about acupuncture and IVF in these past few weeks, and in fact most of western IVF clinics recommend IVFers to try it. Funny how our own Malaysian clinics do not have any affiliation with any acupuncture centres.

Basically what acupuncture does is to help balance the "yin" and "yang" of the body. While a person is going through IVF, many tend to have emotional stress and whatnot, therefore it will throw of the "chi". Apart from helping to relax the body, acupuncture also helps to make to womb/uterus stronger and increase blood circulation.

I spoke to Dr. D about acupuncture and surprisingly he agrees with putting both east and west treatment together. But unfortunately, I would have to find my own acupuncturist.

It was funny how I came to know my acupuncturist. My mom does meditation and attends dhamma classes at her meditationg center Bodhi Heart , and in this center, there have many passing monks  around Asia and they would stay in the sanctuary and give dhamma talks and so on. Sometimes, there would have wellness sessions, and this month they happen to have 2 acupuncturist visiting and a medical monk (Ajahn) from Chiang Mai passing through.

I went in yesterday to see the acupuncturist and was told that my "yin" and "yang" is off. So what they were gonna do to me is to balance my "chi" and to make my uterus stronger. You would think that I am ok with the needles, afterall there are super fine! But boy was I wrong! It hurts, I would guess it hit the nerves or point but while he twist the needle in, it hurts. And when the needle was inside, nothing, I feel nothing afterwards.

So while he was putting needles on me, I started crying, not because of the pain but more like "why am I putting myself through all this for??!!!!" (Emo Breakdown #2 ) So I started tearing, the Ajahn ( monk) came over and sat next to me. He told me, that he know I am not in pain outside but inside. And that basically open the water gates. I was sobbing like a baby with needles in me in front of 20 strangers and a monk sitting next to me. Now that is something I would not ever expect to happen to me. Ajahn read me like an open book, he told me to let out all my fears, concerns and not to have hope and expectations that will lead to my misery. He basically sat with me for a whole good 30 minutes.

After my acupuncture session, I met with Ajahn again, and he did Pranic healing for my soul. It did help calm me down and then he went on to teach me some acupressure techniques that will help strenghten my uterus and teach me about holistic medicine to help me on my IVF journey. From there, I learnt that Ajahn has been practicing holistic medicine for 25 years and has been going around rural areas in South East Asia helping the poor.

I was told by Ajahn to do my acupressure treatment every night and to practice eating more alkaline based food and to boil pandanus leave with lotus root and lotus seed to drink everyday to help improve my circulation.

So there, I was in a mess yesterday but it felt good afterwards. I guess I needed to let everything out and  I needed some words of wisdom and spritual guidance.

Sadhu.

IVF #1 : No Stimms

It's a no go today for next phase of our journey :(

My Estradiol hormone (E2) level is 225. We need to get it down below 189. So two more days of Suprefact for me and back for bloodwork on Friday, and hopefully by then my E2 will be where it is suppose to be and I will get started on the ovaries stimulation.

This unfortunately means that we will push back our timeline a bit. Most probably we won't have the egg retrieval next week as we expected. Dr. D did mention that I will take a longer time for the stimulation phase.

Well, whatever it is, I just hope that everything goes well.

IVF #1 : It's Back

Oh oooo...

Spoke too soon... I have jinx it!

Headaches are back with a vengeance!

IVF #1: Feeling Blue and Black

To think that after almost two weeks of injections, I will be ok with it... but no, it hurts more now and I have given up counting my belly bruises. Not sure where to start as the belly is covered in blue and black bruises. How sexy!

Will be going in for bloodwork and U/S tomm with Dr. D and also to collect my Suprefact refills and my stimulation needles. Somehow, I am no longer looking forward to it. I am feeling lost and scared as the time draws near for my impending operation for the egg retrieval.

I have been headache free for 2 days...but the hot flushes are still here...so good and bad. Other side effects I have been having are breakouts on my face. Damn the hormones.

Emotionally I am trying my very best not to break down. But I feel very disturb, very blur and confused, I feel like screaming and crying and deep down inside, I feel I might not be actually prepared for this whole IVF business. And then another part of me thinks this is for another life that we have been wanting for so long. I must not be selfish and think of hubs. So I have been having these monologues frequently these days, sometimes I think I am going crazy.

IVF #1: Update

Injection # 7 today! Still hurts but hubs sprayed the cooling anesthetic numbing spray and it did help - a bit.

Aunt Flo came to visit so which means  confirm all system go with follicle stimulation shots next week. Things are progessing well so far except for the constant knocking and squeezing of my head and yes the hot flushes!! It is damn embarrasing... here I am sitting in a 20 degrees airconditioned room and I have sweat breaking out. I have sort of gotten used to the headaches which decided to stay around after injection till I sleep at night. They must love me!

My mini emo breakdown two days ago was dragged on with feelings of blurness right about now. I am worried that I will begin to lose sight of what is happening to me. Hubs don't say much apart from giving me lotsa hugs and love. I guess he can't say much, just seeing what I have to put up with probably hurt him. Plus, I need him to be the strong one.

With the headaches and hot flushes, I have turned into someone somewhat horrible. I feel down most of the time, irritated and tired. I just wanna scream, kick and curse but I am still able to contain it in me. Just practicing my yoga breathing and try to stay calm.

The in-laws will be here for the weekend, and I hope that would keep my mind off this whole process... and on the other hand, I hope I won't have my emo breakdowns while they are here... it will be hard to explain to them why thier daughter-in-law is acting all psychotic.

IVF #1 - Breakdown #1

Injection #5 of Suprefact resulting in a mini emo breakdown.

Don't ask me why, how, it just happen.

One minute I was on the bed while the hubs was injecting me... when he was done, I started crying... today's injection was not painful, but it did end up a wee bit swollen. I broke down and sob like a baby. My head was thumping since I woke up ( damn the side effect) and I was just feeling like a heavy stone on the crown of my head.

Now I have 2 belly bruise and 1 swollen bruise = 3 bruises.

IVF #1 - Hello Suprefact!

We are finally in the next step of our IVF cycle. Long gone the BCP....I think it was the most painless part of IVF. Popping 1 tiny pill a day was easy peasy comparing to what I am begining to experience now.

Let's see, last Friday arvo, we went in to see Dr. D and his team. We finally met our embryologist let's call her G. She was really nice and what she did was explained to us her role in the IVF process and assure us she wll take good care of my eggs and the little future embryos.

Afer having an hour long chat we her, we met Dr D. No blood work for E2 hormones or U/S this time but he will do it when my Aunt Flo comes in less that a week's time. So with that I am on to my supression injections with the "awesome" Suprefact!

Self inject 30iu of Suprefact for the next 14 days. FAB!! and then what? Back to get more refills and other injections. SUPER!

FUN FACT: Suprefact injections is done to prep me for the next step of IVF. What it does is to suppress the LH ( Luteinizing Hormone) in order to prevent ovulation.

So the nurse guided the hubs on how to fill the needle and get rid of air bubbles and whatnot... why so complicated??!! It's so different from my old injection Gonal - F where it was a prefilled pen, just change the needle head, and jab!

So the first needle, the nurse - ok better start calling her J. So J did the first injection for me... Yups, as expected: ouch. When the needle puncture the skin of my belly, I felt it, then when she pump the liquid in, it started to sting from the inside out! Not a comfortable feeling at all! 1 down 13 more to go.

On to the second day, I did not sleep a wink anticipating the needle in the morning. So when the time came, it was me, the hubs, the cold liquid and the needle. After battling with air bubbles, and alcohol swabed myself, hubs did the deed. Once again, it did hurt, but not as bad as when J did it... hubs my needle hero la!

When it was over I was already anticipating the next needle the following morning! * slap head*

And then by the afternoon, I started having headaches.... not migrain like or not-enough-sleep headaches. More of like someone taking an ice pick and start banging on my head. And to top it all I started burning up from the inside out. Menopausal women calls this "hot flush". Honestly, not a good feeling. So on Saturday the headaches and hot flushes decided to stay mostly the whole day. And on Sunday, half of the day. As for today, it has not attack me yet. So I am taking the time now to finish my work and blog a bit before I get all cranky.

Today is needle #4, and I have 2 belly bruise from previous needles. Oh happy days!

Injections PLEASE

OMG

I am the world's most impatient person!

Finally today the wait is over and we can get on with the next part of our treatment... no more BCP and say hello to injections, BLOATING, crankiness, and belly bruises.

2 more hours and I will be heading to Dr. D's clinic and GET A MOVE ON!!!!

So here I am sitting in my office, trying to finish my paperwork but my mind is not on work... how do IVFers work? Seriously...I need to find a balance in all this. The question is how?

Sailing

1 more sleep and I will be at Dr. D's office tomorrow to recieve my protocols. ANXIOUS!

Been reading a lot of IVF blogs about real women who goes through the hard journey of trying to conceive. I noticed a lot of these blogs are from women in western countries... I tried to find blogs from local Asian women but can't seem to even find any. TABOO to write about it?  Or maybe I have not been searching  hard enough.

These blogs that I have been reading has help me understand more about the difficulty of infertility and the many factors and conditions of it. Infertility is not only branded on women but on men as well. Our Asian society always assumes that if a woman cannot conceive she is at fault and infertile. That angers me to think people in general makes assumptions like this. Men infertility is also very common, but no one speaks about it. The most common male infertility is sperm count, whish is mostly associated to Azoospermia which means in lay man  terms, inadequate sperm count or sterile. But in my opinion, no men or women should be branded infertile, it should be the couple itself.

Throughout these few months reading all these blogs, I have laugh and cried with them. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one going on this journey, there are millions of couples sailing the same boat as ours. Some, reached their destinations, some are on the way, some are lost, but so far none has given up :)

Butterflies Does Not Mean You Are In Love....

2 more sleeps and we will get to collect all my drugs for my injections. I hope the baseline u/s and bloodwork goes well.

I told hubs last night that I am super anxious and scared at the same time... the worry pot in me is back half of a full force. I dare not imagine what it will do to my sanity. Hubs just told me not to think so much as it would just make me even worst with the anxiety build up.Yea he is right on that part... but HOW? how la??? HOW HOW HOW......so I just kept quite and agree with him when my innerself was sreaming out loud!

I can't stop thinking about the needles...on how it would be different from the ones I did before, and the frequency of it... seriously, my tummy may be big, but does it have enough real estate to take all the needles for 20 odd days give or take, 2 or more jabs a day...ok I calculated maybe min 30 jabs.

And then it's the bloodwork every other day and the internal u/s and the mother of all the egg retrival! Oh my gosh.. I seriously need to calm down and take one thing at a time... ohhmmmmmmm.....

I think if this fail, *touch wood* I don't think I will go through it again..the whole process has not even started and I am freaking out like this....

Now I am patiently crazily waiting *tick tock tick tock tick tock* for Friday to go in and see Dr D and his team again. Honestly it is driving me up the wall yet AGAIN. Sometimes my tummy flips and butterflies starts fluttering... and no, not in a way when you are in love....phish.

Chanel or IVF?

I never tought that I will ask myself this question.

A new Chanel bag or IVF?

I have invested in many Chanel babies so now I guess I have to go with a real life one.

So I am giving up the latest bag. DUH!!

Yes it sounds crazy... a bag cost the same as a test tube baby. The more I think about it the more weird it becomes.

How can a person compare a bag to a baby... technically both have something in common, one is a designer bag and the other is a designer baby.

Just something to ponder.

IVF #1 : The Birth Control Pill

Aunt Flo came to town full blast and it was time for me to visit Dr D for the start of our first IVF cycle. It was bitter sweet, exciting and a bit sad that we have to go through IVF.

Hubs and I went if for our first blood work and I went in for an internal scan.

Finally a piece of good news since all this treatments started. The polyps that was found previously has reduced in size and that means no operation!! Dr D was glad and so were we.

After much discussion, Dr D decided that we should be put on a long protocol cycle mainly due to my reoccuring polyps and my previous endo and the fact that my menses is not clockwork. It will take about 2 months to complete the entire cycle but as all treatments, it comes with risks. Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrom (OHSS) is one of the major risk whereby the drugs given makes the ovaries produce far more number of follicles required. This can end in cancellation of the cycle or death! YUPS!

So to start of our IVF journey, I am put on birth control pills - BCP (Mercilon) for 21 days. Kinda contradicting being the fact we are trying to get pregnant but then have to take BCP. But as Dr D explain it is kinda important to prep my hormones to get ready for the actual IVF cycle where the injections starts. It also kinda help reduce the chance of OHSS and polyps so that it will increase the chance of a successful IVF cycle.

So for the next 3 weeks, it would be the easiest part of the whole cycle. Am anxious for the injections and multiple bloodworks and many internal ultrasound scans to come. It will definitely be a roller coaster ride.

UPDATE:

Dr. D's office called with our initial blood work results. All looking good, everything covered except for my Hep B which I don't have immunisation for...dammit... but I need to get it done after I get preggers.

So, now we wait for July 8 to start my suprefact injections...one of many....